16th of May, forever in my heart

Share on:

 

The 16th of May is, for me, a day with a very double feeling: the birthday of my grandma. The day on which I used to celebrate her turning one year older every year, the day I used to celebrate her life. The day I no longer celebrate. Because she doesn’t turn older any more.

Where others often easily move on after the passing of their grandparents, I struggled big time. I wasn’t interested in ‘earthly things’ any longer and felt so powerless, I just wanted to be with her. I wasn’t interested any more to work hard on my company, I literally needed a break. And I took one. But there was this itchy feeling: you have to move on otherwise you stop living your own life. But that’s easier said than done.

Death is a diving line

Death is so far away from us and yet so close at the same time. It’s abstract and yet so concrete. I think every human being is or once was fascinated by death at some point. By the unexpected, the inevitable that suddenly strikes so close. Some look at it in such a practical way; the heart stops working and therefore the body stops and with that life as we know it does too. Others believe it’s ‘their time’ and God comes to get them. Nobody has proper proof and nor do we need to. It’s a cliche but no one can come back here after they died to tell how it was or is. Death is a dividing line and I guess it comes natural to people to be scared of the unknown.

November 2016

My granny passed away in November 2016 and the months after I was heartbroken, inconsolable. When you think about it, it’s really special how people can be so connected that when one leaves this earth, a bit of the other dies as well. I can now write about this quite frankly, but especially in the first few months I often felt very misunderstood by people. People who say ‘be positive and carry on’ would make me mad inside, even though they meant well. And of course it is hard to say something in such a situation. But an important lesson I’ve learned and something I will tell any friend unfortunate enough to be in a similar situation: grief and sadness are allowed. Let it be there and cry your eyes out, sink to the floor, let all the built up energy flow. You don’t have to smile a month after. You need the process of sadness and grief to heal again. Slowly but surely I found the will again to build further on my company and since the beginning of this year I continued again to work on what’s mine: BridgetJ. I am sure that granny would have been happy with that. She would always ask about my ‘own little business’.

Forever

The longer someone has been dead, the stranger your memory of them becomes. That’s the case for me at least. Sometimes it seems like it was all just a dream, at which you wonder in the morning what really happened. The longer it has been, the more vague the tangibility becomes. Some might call that healing, to me it’s just estrangement. That’s why I can’t stress enough how important it is to spend time with your loved ones (thank God I always did) and sometimes freeze life in photos and videos. Not to decorate Facebook with, but to grant yourself a moment every now and then to spend with those you love so much. Loved. Will always love.

 

Love, Bridget

 

In memoriam; My Granny <3

granny

P.S. do you know what I discovered a few days ago just before falling asleep? The initials of my company (BJ) are the same as hers. Never realized that before but it made me smile and then pass into a deep sleep right after…